Choosing to reflect back on my personal story of tragedy, extreme loss, suffering and surrender is mainly to show you that self discovery, transformation and awakening can happen if your ready to let go.
I lost everything and I do mean everything. I lost my wife, she divorced me after 15 years of marriage; I lost my kids, she filed a restraining order against me so I couldn’t see them; I lost my house, ordered by the judge to go to my ex wife ~ I spent 10 years remodeling that house; I lost my possessions, I lived at a friends house and slept on the couch when I wasn’t crying on the couch; I lost my career, my boss had to let me go because of my severe depression; I lost my health, I had to be put on high blood pressure medication, the stress was killing me; I lost my finances, I had to cash out my 401k and go on employment insurance just to pay the child support and the divorce judgment, which I couldn’t afford, and I got most of my food from the food pantry.
I would tell people, friends, family, acquaintances about my story of loss and compare it to a naked man walking down the street with nothing, or a dead person that has nothing left but the weird part is he’s still alive. I would think that it might make me feel better, you know, to get it off my chest, to let it out. It never helped. I guess I was really only reminding myself of all of my suffering I was going through. So, in turn, I was really just reliving it over and over, again and again, every time I would tell my story.
I saw no light, no tunnel, no hope was in me for anything. The suffering got to be so intense… my heart was shattered like I had never felt or ever could imagine feeling. I turn to drugs, alcohol and tobacco… none of it helped. So I decided to try meditation and started reading spiritual books and listening to books on meditation and spirituality on CDs as often as I could. Sometimes I would play the CDs all night long even when I slept. I never imagined that turning inward, surrendering and letting go of my incessant thinking wood harbor answers for me. But I read, I listened, I studied spiritual teachers like… Dr. Wayne Dyer, Anthony Robbins, Deepak Chopra, Eckhart Tolle, Marianne Williamson, Mark Thornton, Michael Bernard Beckwith, Emmet Fox, Louise Hay and so many more.
I practiced taking meditation even further and deeper… giving all my attention to my inner energy and putting my energy into a ball and like a balloon expanding it till I filled up the entire universe and then shrunk back again. Traveling the vast spaces of the Universe was interesting and fun to imagine. I would practice going into deep meditation everyday for an hour or more for about 3 years then something extraordinary happened. I woke up one morning on May 3rd 2009, it was around 4 a.m. in the morning I felt very different as I stood up I saw I was surrounded by red fog all around me… as I walked around my apartment the red cloud was still there. It lasted for a few minutes it seemed… then I felt a huge pressure and weight lift off my chest and it felt so good it was a sort of euphoria feeling… I felt blissful, I felt so calm, so good and I was so empty but I couldn’t really think about it, or anything… I just felt complete inner peace, silence and stillness.
All the words in all the books I had been reading, all the affirmations I had been practicing, all the spiritual principles I had been studying all of a sudden had real meaning. I felt and I knew the truth of my source of energy in the light of my consciousness. I felt connected, I felt empowered by the light of my inner essence. I felt totally and completely connected to my Source within. I felt an inner peace and inner freedom that I never knew was possible in life… maybe in death or in heaven, but not in life. I was still in my body, but I still couldn’t think… I knew things but I couldn’t judge things… I felt one with things like I was whole with everything. I felt an inner emptiness, no more pressure at all, no more weight of emotion, no more thoughts or voices in my head, I was absolutely empty. Who, why, what had happened to me?
Well, its been almost four years since my awakening and personal transformation so I felt I should share this story with you. My inner peace is so perfect and tranquil… I adore living in a state of no thought and total inner freedom… I am so thankful grateful and appreciative for feeling goodness within me all the time… this is what my blog my book, my course and my life is all about. I love everybody and everything!
May God bless you…
Joyous journey inward,